@carlyken: If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, "Now you're super bored!" and then fly away.
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@AbrasiveGhost: WIFE: I think he's in a midlife crisis "Why, did he buy a new car?" WIFE: not yet [I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
@d_duhwit: Me:"But if, as the sign says, there are 'no right turns' can u really fault me for making a wrong one." Cop:"Thats deep but, yes."
@NYC_Blonde: Watching the Olympics. Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL! Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
@citizenkawala: My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.