If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
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If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
I have written yet another poem about laundry