If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
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I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Travel bloggers during quarantine
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you