If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
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There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Oh my God.