If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
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On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?