@WheelTod: If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
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@JosesLovesYou: [at sheep farm] Me: So how do you get steel wool? Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep Me: huh? *sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
@SomthinBoutSara: How do you end an argument with a woman? Tell her to calm down. You're dead now but the argument is over.
@imdaintyaf: [Dog yoga class] Teacher: Alright, let's go into downward human pose [Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
@WeissBrandon: My wife says that we should keep the chocolate milk in the back of the fridge so it stays colder, but personally I just think she's racist