@WheelTod: If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
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@david8hughes: [calls 911] Me: my wife's been bitten by a snake Operator: ok, suck the poison out Me [whispering]: dude there'll be nothing left of her
@polychromatik: Do you ever wake up. Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive. I did. Not really appreciated on flights apparently
@Cali_Kid_Mike: If you want a waitress to leave you alone for a half hour, tell her you need 5 more minutes to order.
@AaronFullerton: "Today's special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters..."