@WheelTod: If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
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@oakhillbargrill: Me: So it's kittens... driving sports cars!! Studio Head: I need security up here NOW. Me: PLEASE DON'T REJECT "THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST"
@killlmefam: *On Ellen* ELLEN: so i see u tweet about wanting to die ME: haha yeah sometimes *Death appears, sneaks up behind me* ME: omg ellen you didnt
@hyperblastchic: My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn't recognize him when she was canning pickles.