@WheelTod: If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
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@Xoolun: Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst. Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.
@BlondAmbitionTO: If you say "anyways" instead of "anyway," that's alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
@eggnook: Wife: What are you gonna do today? Me: Shower. W: ...what else? M: Make a new iTunes playlist. W: Wow. M: Might not have time for a shower.
@XplodingUnicorn: I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I've just been poisoned