@WheelTod: If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
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@BlindChow: [mailman delivering package to hospital] DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered MAILMAN: please stop saying that
@garrettbarry70: Super excited about staying at my daughter's place so I can eat her cereal and leave the empty box in her cupboard.
@TheToddWilliams: [creation] GOD: Let's name some of you bugs FLY: Me first! GOD: Okay…Fly FLY: Hell yeah! BUTTERFLY: Now me! GOD: Hmm…Butterfly FLY: Sonuvab-
@215potter: Back in my day a "selfie," was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.