If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
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“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?