@myonlymizztake: If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
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@tealbluejay: Calm down penguins. You're just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
@SomthinBoutSara: Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
@BuckyIsotope: FROM: Harvard SUBJ: Your PhD application We are unable to accept you at this time as "Teaching Squirrels Karate" is too cool for us.
@itshotterhere: 9: Daddy, what starts with F and ends in UCK? my face: *look of horror* 9: firetruck! What else? me: nervous laugh *pours another drink*