@myonlymizztake: If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
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@XplodingUnicorn: I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
@ReeseButCallMeV: This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
@Wakenbake77: I'm not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn't looking, I can turn water into Sprite.
@doktorj: My house is like an Indiana Jones movie. Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.