If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
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Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.