If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
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[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Cats are still liquid.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
step 6: release the wall snake
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers