If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
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Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”