My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
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1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
They grow up so quick
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Whoa… oh I see lol
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)