If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
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“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Actually cracking up @ this
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Zack Greinke stories are the best
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall