If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
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this was the best i’ve ever seen
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms