If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
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For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week