Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
You Might Also Like
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person