If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
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A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”