@jokeymcjokeface: If your name is Ella and you haven't opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella's, what are you doing with your life?
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@LurkAtHomeMom: Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you're interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn't our lawn ever look that nice?"
@yab_kat: [gets pulled over] Officer: *through window* Do you know why i pulled you over? Me: *punches steering wheel* answer the man you criminal car
@juliussharpe: A new study shows dogs recognize pictures of their owners. Also, they're like, "Why are you showing me photos? I'm a dog."