White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
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A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.