If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
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I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later