If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
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My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.