Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
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peep davidson
Basically.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.