@DaveWeasel: If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
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@MrSandeepP: Me: Hello, is it me you're looking for? Her: no Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you're looking for?
@QwertyJones3: "This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after." -Inventor of the jersey
@Dis0beyJay: [at wedding] Is there any reason why these two shouldn't be wed? * me yelling * SHE THINKS WOLVERINE COULD BEAT PREDATOR *pianist vomits*
@TheCatWhisprer: ME [as a kid]: i won't be a grumpy old man ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*