If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
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Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Sign at work today
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.