if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
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sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.