If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
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[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV