@PaperWash: If your online dating profile says "I don't have sex on the first date" then that's why you're on a dating website.
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@adamlucidi: Christmas is becoming like that creepy friend that shows up to the party too early. The party starts at 7:00, why are you here at 4:30!?!!
@kumailn: Mustaches are the eyebrows of the lower face lol. Now that I have your attention, climate change is a real problem whether we see it or not.
@jesse_street: *gets laser eye surgery* "Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?" I told you, that's not what— *i squint at him real hard but he's right*