If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
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Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
see you in hell you stupid fruit
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.