@PaperWash: If your online dating profile says "I don't have sex on the first date" then that's why you're on a dating website.
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@IamEnidColeslaw: today I went for a run & a homeless guy was like WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FROM & I was like EVERYTHING
@therealeatwood: ME: [in g-string and hardhat] You sure this is what Boss meant by strip-mining? [A bat swoops down and tucks a crumpled bill into my thong]
@scarebro: Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they're nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
@Donna_Gallers: 1. Go to the vets 2. Tell them your fish is poorly 3. Put a fish finger on the examining table 4. Do a sad face