If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
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You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?