@thespacewad: If your parents say, "You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up", remind them that they'll have to die for you to be Batman.
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@ShutUpThatsWho: [taking pregnant wife to hospital ER] Me: Help! My wife's having contradictions! Dr: Don't you mean contractions? Wife: Never say never
@phaggots: [teenage girl reading horoscope tweets] "Scorpio's drink water when they're thirsty" OMG THIS IS SO ME
@bridger_w: Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I'm bored of paying for things
@gm_cage: I bought theater food once. Long story short my son will no longer be going to college..