Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
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When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
My favorite farside!!
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]