Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
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Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
181.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.