toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
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[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.