@craiguito: If your partner says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new," "anything" doesn't include getting stuck in a traffic jam
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@papasuncle: God: Basically u just chill. Cow: Nice. God: I mean, at first. Cow: ...then? God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
@NicCageMatch: Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
@SadPeruna: Get a TATTOO they said! A rock band tattoo would be the BEST they said! Creed will be popular FOREVER they said!
@tigersgoroooar: Yesterday CNN reported that "sitting will kill you, even if you exercise" and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.