@craiguito: If your partner says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new," "anything" doesn't include getting stuck in a traffic jam
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@AimeeHelene1: I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
@SwedishCanary: I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving
@squirrel74wkgn: Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
@moose_chocolate: The E. coli in the city water supply means I am just one glass away from my goal weight.