If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
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The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
sin harder.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her