Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
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My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
everyone’s a critic
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Google Pay be like:
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
subtitles are so good nowadays
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations