The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
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“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Ape together strong
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*