Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
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i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.