If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
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17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Blew out my flip flop…
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.