If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
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Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.