Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
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I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.