If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
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When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
🍞🦆
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.