If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
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I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Encore…