Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
You Might Also Like
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like