@notfaizzy: If your surname is Rice and you don't name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
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@killazilla: HR- do you know why we called you down here today? Me- your broomstick is broke and you need a ride? HR... Me- a house landed on your sister
@weinerdog4life: Don't ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
@ObscureGent: If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I'm gonna call for help is a plumber.