If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
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Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
how many bears make up a bear minimum
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
I feel seen.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die