If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
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Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
ME (calling my horse with no name):
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.