If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
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The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for