If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
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One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.