If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
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I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something