@ericsshadow: If your wife is a school crossing guard, you're missing a huge opportunity if you don't tell people she's into human trafficking.
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@FeelingMervis: Sometimes when my gf is asleep, I like to sneak into the living room, put on her dress, and pretend I wear the pants in this relationship.
@gwatts77: Facebook people don't like Twitter because they need picture illustrations to understand the joke.
@treadmilld: Someone just honked their horn to get me out of my parking space quicker so now we will both be here until we're dead.
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don't like to? Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables. 5: Because Mom is scary? Bingo.