If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
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“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done