If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
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Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)