@therepoguy: If your wife says "take out the trash" do not reply with "you cooked it you take it out."
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@thepunningman: [hospital] "I'm afraid it's bad news. Your husband will never walk again" "Oh God, he's paralysed?" "No, someone's bought him rollerblades"
@djdarrellripley: Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it's to get out of a speeding ticket...
@briancthayer: *discretely picks a booger* *slyly wipes it on her blouse* Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.