@therepoguy: If your wife says "take out the trash" do not reply with "you cooked it you take it out."
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@flashember: [Worm sitting alone] WAITER: Dinner for 1? Dumb question W: But- *worm cuts self in half* *waiter shrieks* 2nd WORM: I'll have the prime rib
@TheMichaelRock: *puts on shirt* *shirt rips because of my muscles* *gets yelled at for ruining 5yo's shirt*
@dshack8: So then I said, "Spit on it first, then see if it'll fit." ...And that's why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
@garrettbarry70: *First date. Her. "Shall we carve our names onto this tree" Me. "You brought a knife?"