If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
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Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks