If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
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There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
men are simple creatures
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET