Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… đ
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artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said âYou didnât read the manual did you?â And Iâm like âholy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????â
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Because Iâm a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentineâs Day and because Iâm his wife I ate all of them.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isnât 100% effective, Mary.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Why do we say âused toâ for âaccustomed toâ?
âIâm used to it.â Yoost to. Yoozed to.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
âAs the crow fliesâ means something entirely different when it’s âin your living roomâ and you are âhiding in the closet with your cat.â
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasnât left the couch in 12 hours*
âOkay.â
If you say married people arenât having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Whatâs that Batman movie quote? âYou either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacyâ?